I’m Not Having Sex Until I Lose the Weight

How many times have you told yourself you cannot have, let alone enjoy, sex while overweight? This is a dilemma which plagues women in brutal form. I often hear women say they will not allow themselves sexual pleasure because they cannot bear to to be touched. Why?  Because they feel ashamed, because they feel they are failures. At weight loss. At weight maintenance. At living up to a calculated and healthy body image. 

So the sex goes away. Shame takes its place. Many women reluctantly admit the wish to have sex, ambivalent pleasure in masturbation, hope for something better “when I get thinner.” But, in real time, they deprive themselves of pleasure, hatred of their bodies fueling abstinence and aversion.

What is to be done?

The most important solution here has to do with two factors: acceptance and separation. 

Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to love your body- but you do need to look in the mirror, see yourself as you are, and face the reality of your body as it is today. You have a number of choices  You can stay the way you are. You can enroll in a weight loss program or work with a nutritionist. You can exercise in a way that works for you ( in New York, walking 20 city blocks equals one mile of exercise!). You can work on eliminating negative thoughts about your chance of success. 

Separation means you deal with your weight and the negative feelings around it in an orbit which doesn’t affect your sexuality. Easier said than done, obviously. But, the point is that you allow yourself the possibility of sexual pleasure in spite of the other feelings about your body, that YOU TOLERATE TWO SETS OF FEELINGS AT THE SAME TIME. You have work to do on your body, at the same time, you let yourself enjoy having sex. Whether intimate or casual. Sex for the pleasure of sex. A pleasurable act that you deserve.That is the kindest and healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Why not try?